Cracked Pottery
by son of a peach
Summary: A collection of one shots, mostly crack-fick. Rated M for adult content and language.
1. Harry Potter and the Power of Heaven

Hary Potter and the Power of Heaven

I Do not own rights either the Harry Potter Media Empire, Jonny the Homicidal Maniac, Southpark, or Orgazmo.

This is a work of Fan Fiction, and not intended for sale or other compensation

Harry looked around the grayed-out facsimile of platform nine-and-three-quarters. This was definitely not what he was expecting after staring down an Avada Kadavra. He supposed that he would just have to wait for the train to arrive, and hoped this wasn't some sort of purgatory where the train never did come. A polite, feminine cough sounded from behind him. Turning, he beheld someone that he had only formerly seen in photographs, and an odd mirror. "Mum!" he called out, rushing to his mother's side.

After finally releasing his mother, he looked over her shoulder at a dark and messy haired man who gazed on him with watering eyes. This time he was the recipient of the rushing hug

"Son!"

"Dad!" Harry fought back the tears at seeing his long lost father.

"Harry..." a sandy haired man said awkwardly, standing off to the side.

"Professor." Harry said solemnly, before breaking out in a grin, engulfing his uncle the werewolf in a hug, "Moony! none of that stiffness. if you can't relax after death, when can you?"

A true smile came to Remus Lupin's face, and he nodded. "It's good to see you, Harry."

A loud bark startled everyone into looking over at the entrance to the platform. Racing toward them was a big black dog, who sprang at Harry, transmogrifying mid-air into his dog-father Sirius.

The pair wrestled and laughed on the platform floor, which turned out to be surprisingly comfy. "Good to see you pup."

Before the two could continue their reunion, however, a dry cough came from the direction of the platform entrance.

"Mister Potter... Harry my boy, it's good to see you." spoke Albus Dumbledore, in his ever so slightly condescending grandfatherly tone.

"Professor." Harry replied non-committaly, his entire demeanor changed in an instant from happy and open to guarded and wary, much to the annoyance of the adults present.

"I hate to break up this joyous reunion, but I feel I tell you that you have to go back and kill Voldemort." Dumbledore sighed in a reasonable approximation of sadness.

"Wait, what?" Harry was flabbergasted. As far as he knew, death was a one way trip.

-Dumbledore explains the prophesy-

"So you see, Harry, I couldn't tell you or you would have been legilimensed into giving the game away, but now you must go back for the final confrontation. It was all for the greater good you..." suddenly Dumbledore's head exploded.

"You Effing bastard!" Lilly screamed. "You set us all up, and now you expect harry to just dance to your tune?"

A sad, defeated look came over Harry's face, "He's right though, Mum. He may be a sick, manipulating bastard, but if there is a chance to save innocent lives and stop Voldemort, I have to take it."

Lilly spent almost a full minute mumbling a string of curses mixed in with what sounded like, "Damned fool idealistic Potter men." while hugging the stuffing out of him. Finally she wiped a tear from her eyes and released him. "I'll miss you, my noble son. But don't come back too soon, not till you give me grandbabies." She finished with a wicked gleam in her eyes.

Harry blushed and squirmed uncomfortably at his mom's comment for a moment, before smirking back. "Fine, but you have to tell me how you exploded the head-bastard's head."

The former Marauders variously barked and snickered in laughter at his response.

"Oh, that's easy, anyone who has passed over can do it with a thought, along with a few other things." Replied his mother with an even bigger smirk.

_break_

Harry came back to awareness of his body to the accompaniment of Voldemort's self congratulations at killing him. Lifting his head carefully, so as not to attract attention, he took in the assembled Death-Eaters, and began to concentrate.

Tom was starting to warm to his exposition on his favorite subject, namely the greatness that was himself. "With the Potter brat gone, no-one can sstand against me... i mean usss. I will rule the world, fore all time." he rhapsodized euphorically. The first indication that anything was wrong was when a rumbling gurgle sounded from all around. Suddenly his minions faces went from ecstatic to panicked, with a side order of uncomfortable. Then came the wave of stench, and the tell-tale brown dribble from beneath the robes of the more traditionally minded dark wizards. The worst, though, was when, at some hidden signal, Every Death-Eater in the clearing literally lost their heads.

In shock, Voldemort cast about for the disillusioned Aurors, potion grenades, or whatever had caused this to happen, when from behind him came a voice that couldn't be possible.

"Sorry Tommy boy, but it's just so hard to find good help these days."

"Potter? But that's imposssible!" Voldemort practically stammered.

"By the way, James says 'Hi'." Harry said, before Voldemort's now headless corpse keeled over.

_break_

In the aftermath of the death of the Death-Eaters, the ministry crew, or what remained of them, attempted to have a party.

Ron walked over towards Hermione, practically swaggering to tell the truth. "Hey 'Mione, what say after this we go... urgh!" Suddenly, just as he put his hand on her shoulder, Ron crossed his legs, his eyes became unfocussed and a smile bloomed on his face.

"Ronald Weasley! did you just jizz in your pants!" Hermione shrieked in outraged incredulity, before disengaging his hand from her and storming off.

Across the room, Harry smirked into his cup of butter-beer.


	2. Who's Your Daddy

**Who's Your Daddy**

Synopsis: Harry confronts Snape about his attitude, and recieves a reason for his behavior. It has probably been done, but still...

Disclaimer: don't own the rights to characters, and so don't make money

Rated M for language and adult themes

"Snape!" Harry cried across the recently emptied dungeons.

He of the billowing robes stopped, said robes settling around him. Back still to his student, he turned his head slightly to regard the black haired youth. "Well? What is it Potter?" He demanded, heaping invective on the name.

In a voice almost breaking in anguish, the boy pleaded, "Why do you hate me? What have I ever DONE to you for you to loathe me like you do."

"Thats none of your business." Snape countered in a gruff, quiet voice.

"Yes it damn well is!" Harry countered. "If you can give me one good reason, ANY good reason, I'll never bother you again."

"Fine!" Snape rounded on the boy. "You want the truth so bad? just remember, you asked for it."

"James Potter was a playboy dilettante arsehole, more concerned with having a good time with his hooligan crew of miscreant friends than his education or the feelings of anyone around him. Your mother, on the other hand... Lilly Evans was everything good; sweet, smart, beautiful. She was too good to even spit on James T. Potter." Snapes gaze was far away, on things not visible in the room he inhabited.

"So you feel Lilly should have been yours, is that it?" Harry asked sullenly.

"Lilly Evans WAS mine! we dated for most of our sixth year! But when we got back from summer holidays, she was different somehow; distant, distracted. She broke up with me three months into fall term of our seventh year. I would have accepted that, she was too good even for me. But it was like she was a completely different person, parroting insults and opinions I had heard from James when he had harassed me in his jealousy over being with Lilly. I BEGGED Slugg, even Dumbledore, to check and make sure that she wasn't being controlled somehow, but I had no proof, and in the end, they bought Potter's story that I was just jealous that my girl preferred him. And then, it became clearer that Lilly was pregnant, and you were born. Seven months after Lilly began dating James, you were born."

"Wait, WHAT?" Harry felt the world grind to a halt. Snape wasn't saying what he thought he was, was he?

"Your name shouldn't even be Potter... it should be Snape!" Severus pointed dramaticaly, raising his voice from his normal low, intimidating drawl.

"Wha... Huh...?" The room began to spin for the boy known as Harry Potter

"Thats right Harry. _I_ am your father!" Thunder rolled from outside the castle, despite the clear blue sky.

"no... No, that can't be... can it?" A highly confused Harry attempted to to wrap his mind around this startling revelation.

"Search your feelings! You know it to be true." Snape's voice took on a dire, almost mocking quality.

"So let me get this straight." Harry assumed a thoughtful pose "You think I am your son by my mother."

"Yes." Snape nodded Solemnly

"And that's why you hate me? Because I'm your son." Harry continued in his thoughtful tone.

"Ye... No! I mean I don't hate you." Now Snape was waving his hands in front of him.

"So you left me with my abusive aunt and uncle for ten years, and then treat me like shit from the first day of class? What a douche!" Harry accused bitterly.

"Now see here! Don't you call me names young man! Besides, it's not like I chose to leave you on your own. First, James and Lilly put an injunction in against me seeing you. Then I got caught up with spying for Dumbledore, and by the time your so called parents died, Dumbledore whisked you off to parts unkown. The first time anyone heard boo about you was when you showed up at Hogwarts!"

"That still doesn't excuse you being a dick to me the very first time we met!" Harry said with arms crossed and voice raised.

"The first time I saw you, you were being an ass towards my godson Draco." Snape countered defensively.

"Excuse me? I was being an ass? Every time I turned around, that git was coming up to me and telling me that I shouldn't associate with mud-bloods and the like."

"Yes, well, I suppose he is a bit of a ponce." Snape looked a little embarrassed.

"And what about my first potions class? you grilled me about ingredients, and when I couldn't answer your questions, you docked me points! My first day!"

"I'm sorry about that, I was so excited, having the child of Lilly Evens in my class... She was amazing with the potions. and then you show up and don't know wolfsbane from an aconite. I was just... disappointed. And then, you seemed to have some sort of vendetta against me from then on. I thought that..."

"Yes?"

"I thought that James had somehow poisoned you against me, like he did your mother, and I... I couldn't bear to open myself up to the possibility that you were my son, only for you to throw it in my face. I am sorry, Harry. I failed you."

"Yes, well... Okay then."

An awkward silence descended, for moments or minutes.

"Why don't we let the past be the past. Start over, sort of thing." Harry finally said

Snape smiled ever so slightly. "I'd like that."

"Hi I'm Harry P... Evans." Harry stuck out his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Evans. My name is Severus Snape." Snape took his maybe-son's hand and shook it. A smile broke out on both their faces.

The two talked for a while, and then decided to make their way down to dinner.

"You know the sorting hat was going to put me into Slytherin, but I couldn't stand the thought of having to deal with Draco every day." Harry casually mentioned. Snape nearly guffawed, but also nearly smacked his forehead in annoyance. Damn that git, for ruining everything.

Harry went in ahead of Severus who in turn went to sit at the staff table. Harry went and sat Slytherin table, to the shock of nearly everyone in the hall. Draco almost immediately sprang up from his seat and swaggered over to him.

"What's the matter, Potty? Are you lost?" Malfoy asked in his best mocking voice.

Harry looked up at him tiredly, "I was invited to sit here this evening."

"I doubt anyone here would want to sit with you Potter. Now leave!" Draco accentuated his speech by shoving Harry in the chest, sending him backwards over his seat.

As Draco began to laugh at Harry's misfortune, a shadow fell over him. In a cold drawl filled with fury, Snape addressed him, "Draco Malfoy, you may be the child of my longtime friends and my godchild, but if you lay hands on Harry again, so help me I will hex you until you don't know your mouth from your shit-hole! Now, go sit down, finish your dinner, and report to Mr Filch for detention."

A shocked and sullen Malfoy hurried back to his seat. Meanwhile, Snape helped Harry up, and then pulled up a chair next to him. The two ate in relative silence, but eventually a brave soul nearby at the table asked what the deal was between them.

Later, as Harry headed back towards the Griffindor tower entrance, Ron and Hermione caught him up.

"what the hell was that back there, mate?" Ron demanded

Harry gained a somewhat sheepish expression, "Well, it turns out, that Snape... is kinda my Dad."

Ron gaped like a fish, and managed "Wha...huh...?"

"That's kinda what I said at first." Harry laughed briefly.

"But that can't be right! Your dad is named James Potter! It's in all the histories I read about you!" Hermione denied vehemently.

Harry then proceeded to tell his friends about his day.

_**And because it kinda fits the theme, both for Starwars (which I also don't own) references and conversing with an enemy, I give you:**_

**True To Form**

Synopsis: a silly piece in which Harry and Tom discuss the nature of their conflict. Please pardon the talking heads.

Disclaimer: Nae oenershiffe claymed, noer recompenfe foutte foer thisse fayrre wyrke ov Fanne Fykshunne

Rating: T for mild language

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!"

"What's wrong Potter, going to beg for you life?"

"No, it's not that. How come you get the green one and I get the red one?"

"What?"

"Well, I'm the hero, and you're the villain. so I should get the green light thingy and you should get the red light thingy."

"What are you prattling about?"

"It's like in Star Wars, Luke and Ben Kenobi had the green light sabers, while Vader had the red one."

"This isn't sodding Star Wars!"

"I know, it's just that..."

"I'm not your father Harry."

"Well duh!"

"You know what, never mind. I can't do this right now. I try to set a certain mood, but you just have to ruin it for a pop culture reference. Honestly why do I even bother staying in character when I have to deal with rank amateurs like this."

"There, there. I'm sorry Tom. I know you work hard at this. It's just, I don't know, the whole premise is a little cliche. Any minute I expect myself to start spouting some Inigo Montoya stuff. I mean, who really wants to rule the world these days, anyways? It seems like more trouble than it's worth."

"I know, but... it's like a right of passage. I mean, really I just started the whole Voldemort thing as a way of getting through school, but it all kind of snowballed, and then, what self respecting megalomaniacal villain stops short of the world? It just isn't done. Your minions won't respect you unless you aim for the sky."

"So you do it for your minions. Seems like kind of a poor reason to devote your life to evil."

"To be fair, some of them are hot. I mean, have you seen the Black sisters? Meow!"

"We've still got the Black that can shape-shift, though."

"How was I to know that would happen? Stupid Walpurga, casting out Andromeda just 'cause she had a mudblood husband. I mean who doesn't these days."

"That's another thing. I mean you are a half-blood yourself, and yet you preach this whole Pure-blood supremacy thing. It's kind of like Hitler being half Jewish. Doesn't add up."

"To start with, it was just to fit in. I mean, as far as anyone knew, I was pure as the driven bloody snow. But then, I started wondering if I couldn't get them to wipe each-other out."

"Thats... brilliant. Evil, but brilliant."

"Thanks. I do try."

"Want to go get drinks or something, this battlefield banter, while cool and all, is getting a little chilly too. "

"Sure, why not."


	3. Girls, Girls, Everywhere

Girls, Girls, Everywhere, and None to Buy A Drink

Synopsis: Harry has dating problems.

An idea that I probably won't expand on, but if you want to, feel free. I realize that this suffers heavily from Talking Head Syndrome, but it is really the dialogue I felt was funny.

Disclaimer; the characters contained herein are the property of their respective owners. This is a work of fan fiction and not to be distributed for profit.

Harry nursed a butter-beer in the three broomsticks, considering his predicament. He had managed to ignore the problem throughout his (second) seventh year at Hogwarts. He had reasoned that the age difference played a factor, or that people felt awkward approaching him because of his fame. But now, six months past his graduation, he had to face facts. He, Harry Potter, boy-who-lived and defeater of Voldemort, couldn't get a date to save his life.

It wasn't so much that girls wouldn't talk to him, or crossed over to the other side of the road. He could strike up a conversation with a girl in a bar, no problem, and things could be going great, but the second he brought up the idea of meeting again for a date, the girl would come up with excuse after excuse, politely but firmly letting him know that it wasn't going to happen. At first he thought he was doing something wrong, but all the surreptitious asking and clandestine reading he had done assured him that his 'game' was just fine, it was just him. For some reason, Harry Potter was persona-non-gratta in the dating community.

It wouldn't bug him so much, except all his friends seemed to have paired off. He had tried to pick things back up with Ginny after the final battle, but she had moved on and was in a stable relationship with the more dependable Nevile Longbottom. It rankled, but if anyone deserved happiness, it was Neville, and he was over the moon about it. Ron was with Hermione, and he was happy for them, (even if he didn't quite understand their relationship). Luna had started a combined working and romantic relationship with Denis Creevey, stating that it payed for a reporter to keep a close grasp on her cameraman.

The long and short of it was that he was alone, on a friday night, nursing a butter-beer because he still couldn't buy anything harder, wondering where he went wrong.

(Who should break the news? Can't be Ginny or Hermione. Maybe Luna, or a random member of the D.A. Possibly. Or maybe Daphne, 'cause why not)

"I shouldn't be telling you this, and if anyone asks, I didn't. You have been blacklisted by the sorority."

"The sorority? Who's that?"

"The Sororitas Ex-Hogwarts. Basically, all female members and graduates are eligible to be members, and it is kind of a prerequisite for any kind of meaningful employment. There is a nominal yearly fee, bi-anual meetings, and quarterly newsletters, plus you get discounts at certain stores with your card. It's actualy kind of a good deal."

"That sounds good. But wait, why would the blacklist me? Is it a pure-blood thing, because I killed Voldemort and his followers?"

"Get over yourself! most people pure-bloods don't care about that. No, it's not about you, or rather not about who you are, but rather, what you've done."

"What I've done? What have I done thats so bad I got blacklisted. I know for a fact that Malfoy is dating someone, and he is only out of Azkaban on my say-so and because of Dumbledore's portrait's insistence. How can I possibly not rate when he does?"

"Again, get over yourself! No this is about your dating history. There is a three strikes policy, and you burned through them."

"Huh?"

"Well, first off, there was the horrible way you treated the Patel sisters at the yule ball. You essentially left them high and dry on a very public date."

"Oh-kay, that's fair, I guess."

"Second offense was dropping Cho mid date to go gallivanting off with Granger, shortly after her previous boyfriend died under circumstances in which you were involved."

"What? That's totally not fair! She was more interested in finding out about Cedric than in getting to know me, and she went mental when a friend of mine legitimately asked for help."

"Don't raise your voice at me! I'm just the messenger! However, the fact remains that as the guy left alive in that situation, you have a moral obligation to look after his bereaved girlfriend, and whether you see it that way or not, you dumped her mid date to go off with another girl. Besides, she said you were a lousy kisser."

"I... never mind, I'm not going to win an argument with you about this, even though, for the record, I am not a lousy kisser. But moving on, what is my supposed third offense?"

"Ginny concurred about your kissing, saying you were a bit frigid, and even worse in the sack, but that is neither here nor there. Your third offense was dumping Ginny at Dumbledore's funeral, right before her brother's wedding. That and that you were a bad lay."

"But... we never... Argh! I never slept with anyone, and certainly not Ginny. Her brother would have killed me, for one thing, especially with me breaking up with her. And the only reason I broke up with her was to keep her safe while I went to face Voldemort, not to mention I didn't think it was fair to leave her a widow in the very likely chance I didn't make it. I was heartbroken that she found someone else while I was gone, but I can't fault her for not putting her life on hold just because I had to. But how can that possibly be a strike against me? I practically bent over backwards to make her happy and keep her safe."

"Really, Never? Wow, thats... kind of pathetic, actually. Well maybe it was because you didn't bend her over backwards and give her a goodbye shag before leaving her, that would actually explain a lot given her reputation. In any case, Ginny claimed she felt poorly used, and what with the two black marks against you and with your usual defender off gallivanting about the countryside along with you, not to mention your drop-out status, I'm afraid you got blackballed at the fall meeting of what would have been your seventh year."

"So that's it? I'm destined to be The-boy-who-lived-to-die-alone?"

"Oh, don't be such a drama queen! I'm sure Hermione will lodge an appeal at your five year parole hearing. It might help your case if you actually apologized to the girls who's hearts you broke."

"But... ah, never-mind. Fine, I suppose that is fair. At least it will give me a chance to defend my name. Thanks, I guess."

"Great. Good luck with that. Just remember, you and I never talked, and certainly not about this. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Not to be cruel but I have a hot date, and this little chat that didn't happen has already made me fashionably late. Toodles."

(future conversations)

With Padme(?):

"Oh, I suppose knowing that you're the last boy to in your grade to lose their virginity is about even with ignoring me in front of three schools. I will support your claim for parole if you take out an ad in the quibler stating that you were a jerk for ignoring a hot dish like me, and that you are still a virgin."

"But you are already married! You don't need the advertising."

"Maybe not, but the ego boost is nice."

With Cho:

"I suppose I forgive you. I was kind of in a dark place then, and its become pretty clear that you weren't cheating on me with Granger. After all, her marrying Ron of all people is a little far to go just to keep up the pretense that nothing was going on between the two of you."

"Um... Thanks. I think."

"Really... not with anyone?"

"No."

"I have to, um, go... so I... don'tlaughinyourfaceokaybye." (runs away snickering)

With Ginny:

"Oh, Oops! Sorry, I completely forgot about that. I was actually trying to reserve you."

"Reserve me?"

"Yeah, you see, one of the bylaws is that an injured party may cancel the blacklisting by taking the guy in question back. So I figured that by pretending you wronged me, it would keep you from hooking up with anyone while on the road, and then I would take you back when you finished off Voldemort. But then, I hooked up with Neville, and he is kind of a viking in the sack, and well, I kind of forgot about that until you mentioned it. Sorry about that."

"I... really didn't need to know that about Neville. So you made it so I couldn't date anyone?"

"Yeah, but I'll totally help Hermione with your appeal."

"In three and a half years."

"Geez, I said I was sorry, but it's not such a big deal, the time will pass in no time."

"Um...yeah. I just remembered, I have to go. Bye." 'the last thing I want is to start screaming at one of the girls I supposedly wronged, or I might end up with a lifetime ban.'

"It was good seeing you. we should hang out again soon, I'm sure Neville would like to see you."

"Sure... bye."

three and a half years later.

Harry is laying in a hospital bed waiting for some good news after Neville inexplicably hexed him for no apparent reason.

"I'm really sorry, but your appeal failed."

"What?"

"Well I kinda had to pretend you knocked me up. Me, Dean and Seamus were fooling around and I forgot to take my contraception potion."

"Then why not say so, or claim it was Neville's, or really anyones except mine!"

"Well they both work under him, so I didn't want to get them fired. And besides I didn't think you'd mind, seeing as you don't date much anyway."

"I don't date AT ALL, which is already thanks to you!"

"Geez, calm down, by your next appeal, everything will have calmed down, and I'll 'forgive you' and you'll be dating in no time."

"Forgive me?"

"You know, for leaving me with your child."

"Ginny, you and I have never had sex, in point of fact I have STILL never had sex. So there is no way that child is mine."

"Well I know that, and you know that, but everyone else..."

"Will damn well figure it out when the baby looks nothing like me. Not to mention it would fail a blood test."

"You'd really expose me to scandal like that. I thought we were friends!"

"Your one to talk about exposing friends to scandal. Neville, a man I considered one of my best friends, put me in the hospital today because of you! Because you couldn't keep it your proverbial pants, and then lied to him about it."

"And I thought you'd be able to handle it. I mean you have defeated dark lords, I didn't think you'd have trouble with my Nevie-pooh. Even if he does get all hot and dangerous when he gets angry."

"I didn't think I had to protect myself against my friends. A policy I am rapidly re-evaluating thanks to you."

"Hey, I'm the one knocked up without a father to my baby."

"To my count you have two contenders for that honor, not to mention Neville, who would probably help raise the child if only to ensure that it didn't grow up to be like it's mother."

"That's uncalled for! Besides, I don't know whose it is."

"You ruined my life! You've already cost me one friendship I may never recover, and as soon as Ron hears about your lies, he and Hermione are probably going to be the next members of the We-Hate-Harry club. Not to mention I won't be able to get a date in the next five years."

"Ten."

"What?"

"Ten years. The first appeal is after five years, but every subsequent one is after ten."

"What? and how did My appeal fail anyway? I thought Cho and Patil were going to back me in getting off the do not date list."

"Well they did, but that still put you on probation, and then when you left a friend's girlfriend pregnant, well you got put back on the list. And of course you can't appeal every time, or the meetings would get bogged down in pointless appeals."

"So in other words, this is a serious, life changing matter. And you lied, not once, but twice, condemning me to fifteen years of celibacy in addition to the seventeen surviving Voldemort already got me? I mean I save your life, break up with you to keep you safe while I'm not around, and am very understanding, I feel, when I come back and your dating someone else. I respect that I can't have you, and I try to move on, except you've made that impossible! And now, the guy you threw me over for, you cheat on, and shunt the blame to me, making it so I have to go another ten years as a virgin!"

"You sound like it's the end of the world. You can use the time to focus on other things."

"Ginny, there is nothing else. I didn't get to have a childhood, not one worth speaking of anyways. I can't work a job because my co-workers hero worship me until the managers ask me, very politely, to step down so that they can get anything done. Or else feel so threatened by me that they stab me in the back and get me dismissed. Not to worry, though, as sole heir to two major families, It really doesn't matter if I work because I could never get a salary that even approaches what I make in interest. I literally can't have any kind of working life. And now thanks to you, I can't get a date, and soon will have no friends. I may as well not even be alive. Is this getting through to you, Ginny? The sheer magnitude of what you have done?"

"So because you don't have to work your somehow better than me?"

"Don't you DARE try to turn this around on me. I literally have NOTHING left to live for. And nothing left to die for, either. I never should have left the platform."

"Don't get high and mighty with me, mister Savior-of-the-world."

"Bye Ginny. Have a good life."

"You know, we're both single now."

"Not interested. Bye."

"Well, owl me if you change your mind."

"It won't matter soon. I don't think you'll see me again."

"What."

"Your brothers are going to try and kill me soon, and I can't think of a reason not to let them."

"Not if you went out with me and raised my child as your own."

"Like I said, can't think of a reason. Either way I would die a virgin."

"Oh no, I would totaly give you a sympathy bone."

"Honey, I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last girl on earth."


	4. But I AM Harry Potter

But I really am Harry Potter

"Harry my lad, I've found the perfect place to keep you safe from Tom and his followers. And don't worry, you'll fit right in." Dumbledore escorted Harry Potter through the flu into an off-white waiting room.

Harry stood dazedly while Dumbledore peeled off to talk to the receptionist. A minute later, Dumbledore returned, followed by a pleasant looking woman in white robes. "Miss Montebank will show you to your room, my boy. Try to relax, and I'll be by to visit you as soon as I can." With that he waved goodby to the baffled young man and swept away towards the fireplace.

"Hi there!" The woman he had been left with stated in a cheerful tone, "If you will just follow me, I can get you set up in your room. We do hope you will like it here."

"Thank you." Harry saw no need to be impolite. As he began to follow the cheerful woman through a pair of double doors and down an off-white hallway, Harry asked "Please excuse me, I'm a little turned around, but where am I, exactly?"

"You are somewhere safe, where we can hopefully help you." Was the vague reply.

Story notes:

Harry has been put in the Boy Who Lived ward at Saint Mungo's mental hospital.

Due to the extremely unhappy nature of his life thus far, he allows himself to start to believe that he is not, in fact, Harry Potter. He adopts the cover identity that was concocted to hide him as his real identity.

Having 'cured' him of his 'delusion', the hospital releases him.

Dumbledore returns some time later to find Harry gone. OR mistakes one of the other patients for Harry and takes him off.

IF his friends et al eventually track him down, they find that Harry is much happier and more well adjusted in his new life (having got the therapy and medical help he needed to recover from his childhood, and no longer feeling like he has to save the world).


	5. A Charm on Both Your Houses partial

A Charm on both your houses

"And that is why, for your safety, both the Potters and the Longbottoms must go into hiding, preferably under the fidelius charm." Dumbledore said, sadly.

"That sick bastard is gonna kill our kids? Okay, Dumbles, I don't like it, but I'm in." Said James Potter, causing Dumbledore to flinch slightly at the nickname.

"Um, Yeah, We're in too. Though my boss is gonna kill me." Affirmed Longbottom.

"I'm sure Barty will forgive you for trying to keep your family safe." Dumbledore tried to reassure him.

With that, the two families went into separate huddles, to decide the particulars of their fidelius charm defenses. Sirius had just gotten through pitching that Peter should be their secret keeper, because no-one would suspect him.

"We've just got to be sneaky, after all we are the marauders! we have a tradition to upkeep." Sirius finished his pitch with an appeal to Jame's marauder sense of dishonesty.

James began to nod, "You're right, we do need to approach this as the marauders we are. But we're thinking too small. Hmm..." James began to pace. "What we should do is set up a double blind, put two houses under the charm, but make one of them a trap. After all, we know Moldywart is going to come after us, why not try and take him down when he does?"

Sirius developed an almost wolflike grin. "Your absolutely right!"

"What do you propose we do?" Asked Lilly, interested if not as gleeful as her friends. "how would we trap the house to catch someone like Voldemort?"

"Lilly, do you still own your parent's home? The one with the overhead sprinkler system?" James asked energeticaly.

"Yes." Replied Lilly, a little sourly. True her parents had died a few years ago, but it was still a sore point, damn it!

"I'm sorry Lilly. I didn't mean to ask so callously. I'm just excited at the prospect that we may actually bring He-Who-Must-Not-Be-In-Possession-Of-His-Faculties down. I miss them too, even if I was never good enough in their eyes for their baby girl." James soothed her.

Lilly's frown eased and became a small grin. "Apology accepted, husband dear. Anyway, yes I still own the property. Why? do you want to live there? I thought you hated it."

James laughed a little. "To be fair, I only hated it because I had to be on my best behavior around your parents. But no, I was thinking of it more for our trap. We could run some kind of potion or poison through the sprinklers, and set a charm to set them off when the bad guys show up."

Lilly's eyes sparkled at the mention of what was decidedly her territory. "Hmm, that could work. It would need to be potion that could be ingested by inhalation. We should also charm it to prevent apparation and portkeys, so big V can't just escape. Plus there's no guarantee that we'll get him in the first raid, so we have to be able to re-prime the trap a few times. Maybe Draught of the Living Death, in case he can tell when one of his dung-eaters dies. That would also allow the ministry to pump them for information when this is done."

James stared awestruck at his brainy wife a moment, before laughing and sweeping her up in an embrace. "Gods, I love you Lilly! That was brilliant! If I hadn't already married you, I'd be down on one knee right now, proposing to you for how awesome you are."

Lilly giggled into his shoulder. "And don't you forget it, mister!" she managed to say with a mock-serious tone.

James confided, "Much though I could hold you like this all day, we really should get to work." The two broke apart, and then called over Dumbledore.

A few minutes later Peter arrived, still a little shaky from the Crucio his master had given him as a warning to be sure to find out where the Potters would be, so that he could kill them. Peter sidled up to the group containing his friends, overhearing James say; "So we want you to put a fidelius charm on Lilly's parent's house..." before heading over to the snack and coffee table. It broke his heart to betray his friends like this, but his ass was on the line.

Days later, Peter the Rat finally was able to break away from the group without being noticed, and made his way into the dark lair of his master.

"Oh look, if it isn't wormfood." Bellatrix sing-songed nastily from the dark-lord's side.

"What newsss do you have, at this LATE hour." The Dark one hissed in slight anoyance.

"Oh great Dark Lord! I offer my deepest appologies for taking so long. I only stayed from your side to avoid suspicion.


	6. Stubby Boardman's Kid

Boardman's Kid.

Synopsis: Harry has the power of Rock. Sirius gets the band back together.

Disclaimer: Don' own nuffin. I'm jus' playin' wif it. (Translation: Rowling, and her various publishers and distributers, own the Potter universe and all it's characters. This is a work of fan fiction and not for profit.)

Rating: M for language, allusions to adult situations, and potential adult themes.

Note: I really hope to pick this up again sometime. till then it's an unfinished oneshot.

James Potter felt the power battering against his wards. 'Damn that psycho son of a bitch! how the hell did he find us' he cursed inwardly. Trying to remain calm, He called up to his wife, who had moments ago gone up to put Harry to bed. "Sweetheart, we're under attack! Take Harry and run. I'll follow if I can." for an agonizing moment, he waited.

Lilly contemplated telling him to go to hell, that they would leave together, or not at all. But Harry's safety came first. With a choked sob, she managed an "Okay." Then she scooped up her son and grabbed the necklace portkey around her neck and said the activation word. nothing happened. cursing under her breath, she tried apparition, to similar results. "Shit. Dear, there's anti-transport wards up!"

"Damn!" cursed James, as he dashed to the fireplace and tossed in a pinch of floo powder, shouting "Padfoot's pad!" Again, their hopes of escape were stymied. 'with the floo down, we can't even call for help!' Despair began to grip his heart, when an epiphany struck. Dashing to his old school trunk, he snatched an old hand mirror from it and shouted "Padfoot!"

In a million to one chance, his friend heard the rattle caused by the mirror's vibration charm and picked it up. "Prongsie?" Serius asked curiously.

"He's attacking! We're pinned down. I'll hold them off as long as I can. Get help! Save Lilly and Harry!" James shouted frantically.

Sirius was already in motion. Snatching floo powder from the box on the mantle, Serius threw a pinch into the fire and called "Emergency." Sticking his head into the green fire, he informed the duty Auror, "There's an attack on the Potter's in Godrick's Hollow. Send the response team!" Waiting only for a nod of response, he pulled his head out of the fire, dashed another pinch of floo powder onto the flames and said, "Dumbledore." This time he stepped through.

"Professor, call the Order! The Potters are under attack!

The preparations seemed interminable as Serius waited for the ability to save his oldest friend. Finally, a small group consisting of Hagrid, Remus, Moody, Dumbledore and himself grabbed the tail of the phoenix and were transported in a wash of flame. Dashing toward the ruined door of the house, Sirius was brought short by an invisible ward barrier. Cursing, he pounded impotently against the invisible wall that kept him from his friend's side. Moony was beside him in a moment casting diagnostic charms on the ward.

"It's Voldie, alright. It'll take forever to bring this down." Remus said sadly.

A horrible metallic squeal was heard. "Stan' aside." Commanded the half giant member of their group. Panting slightly in exertion, he held an automobile completely off of the ground in his two hands. Maneuvering it to lean on end in one hand and steadied by the other, he took a few shuffling steps towards the house, and with a bellow of exertion, thew the car against the ward shields. Magic arced and skittered across the ward's surface as it fought to resist the massive kinetic energy. Suddenly, with a muffled 'Crump' sound, the gas tank ignited and exploded the rear portion of the car, showering the huddled rescuers with debris. The wards, strained to breaking, Collapsed in a visible flare of magic.

Regaining his feet, Sirius charged through the door, wand at the ready. The living room was a mess of debris and dead transfigured animals. Near the door to the stairs lay the body of his friend, unseeing eyes open and dull, clearly dead. Almost, Sirius collapsed by his dead friend, but James' last admonishment echoed in his ears "Save Lilly and Harry!"

Raised voices from the hallway above reached his ears, mixed with the sounds of his godson's cries.

The wizard known as Voldemort staggered a little as he felt his wards go down. He didn't have time for this! There was supposed to be no way for anyone to know of his attack until it was over. Obviously that rat Petigrew had led him into a trap. He WOULD complete his mission, however. Not even Dumbledore could stop him now. The mudblood witch stood between him and the prophesied one who could kill him. He supposed Snape would just have to be disappointed in losing his toy.

"You will not touch him, Monster!" Lilly spat defiantly. Her wand began to glow with magical energies.

"I grow tired of this. AVADA KADAVRA!" the green spell flew from Voldemort's wand, and whatever nascent spell the witch was casting dissipated as her life left her.

"Noooo!" The scream tore from Sirius' throat as he stood at the doorway, watching his best friends wife fall to the floor dead. Almost instantly, cutters and bone breaking hexes began to fly from his wand, only to splash harmlessly against Voldemort's shield charm.

"You can't stop me, Black. Your vaunted weapon against me dies tonight." Voldemort smirked condescendingly. "AVADA KADAVRA!" The green curse flew out of his wand at the squalling infant. He wouldn't be sorry to hear it's incessant crying cease. Suddenly, the wailing cry returned a hundredfold. "No. NOOO!" Voldemort fell to his knees in the face of the sonic attack, gripping at his head which felt like it would explode any minute. With a sickening pop, his eyes burst, and he began to claw at his face as the flesh literally melted from his skull, and then his fingers, spreading down his neck and arms until a sickening red ooze pooled beneath his robe clad skeleton. Then even his bones blew away like ash in a strong wind.

Only then did the cry subside to normal levels. With shock and amazement, Sirius stumbled over to his very-much-still-alive godson. It was impossible for anyone to survive the killing curse, Impossible for Voldemort to have missed at that range, and most impossible of all for the curse to have rebounded on him in such a spectacular way. And yet there lay his godson, impossibly and yet very vocally alive. Shaking off his stupor, Sirius scooped up his godson and began to rock him in his arms as he walked back down the hall and the stairs to where the rest of the rescue party was arrayed.

In a dazed voice, Sirius related, "It's over. Voldemort's dead. That bastard is actually dead!" he began to chuckle somewhat deliriously.

After they coaxed the details out of him, for which Remus lent him a brotherly hand on his shoulder. Albus Dumbledore stood mute in shock at the end of Tom Riddle. It seemed so improbable, so surreal, almost unbelievable. A seed of doubt germinated in his soul.

"I hate to say it lad, but it ain't over. The head snake is dead, sure, but the rest of them are still alive and dangerous. They'll come for the boy, if only out of spite. It ain't over, we just get a moment to catch our breath." Moody growled out, his recently acquired mechanical eye spinning rapidly in it's freshly scarred socket.

Albus nodded in agreement with the veteran Auror, his mind already spinning up a plan. "The boy must be protected." 'Just in case Voldemort somehow returns from his unnatural death.' The elderly headmaster completed in the privacy of his head. "It sounds like Lilly cast some form of protection for the boy tied to her death. If it is blood based, maybe his blood relatives on her side could provide a measure of protection. I know you feel strongly for the child but..."

"No." Sirius Black stated emphatically. "Lilly's relatives aren't an option. No, James charged me to look after his son, and I will not fail him again." Sirius stood resolute, looking his former headmaster in the eye.

"Sirius, my boy, surely..." Albus began again.

Again Serius cut him off. "I've met the Dursleys. They're worse bigots than the death eaters when it comes to all things magical. Harry would be lucky to last a year in their care. No, Harry stays with me." The steel of the family Black showed itself in the set of his jaw and the hardness of his eye. He would not be moved on this.

Reluctantly Albus nodded his head in acceptance.

"I'm not letting him out of my sight either." Remus broke his silence. "We never should have split up! we should have been here to stand by James' side. Maybe then... maybe then he wouldn't have..."

"Damn it, Moony! don't go playing what if! There was no way we could have known. The Fidelius was supposed to keep them safe while we chipped away at the 'Eaters. It's not your fault." Serius finished, embracing his remaining friend, murmuring the repeating mantra "we couldn't have known, its not your fault." until the man calmed down.

"I still can't understand how the Fidelius failed, especially as Voldemort obviously didn't torture the information out of you Mr. Black." Dumbledore pondered a little pointedly.

"That's easy, I wasn't the secret keeper, Peter was. They must have got the poor bastard." Sirius countered stonily, only just realizing that this probably meant another friend was dead. "We thought he would be safe with everyone assuming I was the one..." He trailed off.

Eyes wide, Dumbledore sucked in a breath in dawning horror. "Oh no!" Turning to face the two men huddled around the baby. "I've had suspicions for a while now that there was a mole in the order. I had no proof, so I said nothing, but Peter's name was on a very short list of people who had access to the information in question. It seems clear now, though I wish it weren't so, that he is the spy in our camp for Voldemort. If you happen to see him again, do not trust him with Harry's safety, or your own."

A cry wrest itself from the throat of Remus Lupin, the anguished cry of a wounded animal. "That... dirty rat!" His whole body tensed to begin the chase.

Sirius latched onto his friend once again. "Stay, Moony." The erstwhile dog commanded.

"But... he killed James! He killed our brother!" The man and wolf pleaded for vengeance.

"I know, Moony. I know! I want him too. But Harry needs us." Sirius' eyes bored into Remus' until he finally slumped in acceptance.

"I know it didn't work all that well in this case, but I can cast a fidelius for you on Grimauld Place. You should all be safe there." Albus pressed, though kindly.

Sirius sucked in a breath at the pain of losing his friends, then blew it out again. "Fine. Make us some portkeys to it, too. we can use it for a bolt-hole. But the kid can't grow up inside that moldy old house like a prisoner. He needs to live, not just survive."

Silence descended again, as all present grappled with the problem of keeping Harry safe. Finally Remus spoke hesitantly. "Maybe it's best if the three of us 'died' tonight as well. That way we could just disappear." then he gave a wry smile. "Maybe we should try looking up your old friend Stubby."

A faint answering smile formed on Sirius' face, "Well there's a thought."

It was late the next day when Sirius finally got a chance to process the previous day's events. Albus had insisted that Harry be checked over by a medi-witch, who Alastor promptly obliviated afterwards. Harry was completely unharmed by his ordeal, except for a small curse-wound on his upper chest right below his neck. The medic predicted that it would scar, but otherwise wasn't dangerous. Harry had a poultice strapped there none-the-less. Sirius had joked that they had a mummy and a wolf-man, now all they needed was Dracula or Frankenstein. Remus had swatted him for it, but at least he'd smiled.

Sirius' forced his mind to deal with the more weighty matters. There was no getting around it, some heavy shit had gone down. He was still too numb to the death of James and Lilly, he couldn't quite wrap his head around the two being just gone. Fortunately he had Harry to force him to keep moving forward, or he was sure he would be a catatonic wreck, or else on a revenge kick chasing after Petigrew. Forcefully, Sirius reigned in his anger regarding that particular subject. Plenty of time later to track the traitor down and deal with him in true marauder fashion. Remus would be more than happy to help. But Harry came first. A weight settled in him, like an anchor. It was not entirely unpleasant: it kept him grounded. Heavy, like metal.

It was so totally freaking cool when Voldemort's face had melted.

It had taken some doing, but Stubby Boardman, AKA Sirius Black, was ready to once again hit the road. The first step had been to try and look up his old band mates. They had each moved on to other things, having started the hobgoblins largely as a way of separating ladies from their knickers. With much persuasion on Sirius's part, and in the almost Carnevalle mood that prevailed in the wake of Voldemort's demise, he managed to recruit two of the four original band members back. A third had agreed on a strictly part time basis. It was a good enough start.

Having re-established his cover, the second and more important task could be undertaken. Sirius purchased, through several blind agents, an old muggle touring bus, and had it outfitted with similar charms as the Knight Bus. But that was just the beginning. Again, working through agents, he'd had the interior charmed with the same expansion and domestic charms used in tents to convert the bus into a veritable moving mansion. Last but certainly not least, contracted to have a variety of protective and offensive defense wards incorporated into it. These ranged from imperturbable and flame-freezing charms, to powerful sunlight charms to use against night creatures (they also made for a good light show, in a pinch), to keying the expansions inside the bus to only be accessible to certain people. With hidden windows allowing those inside to fire spells on those attacking from without from relative safety, and the ability to flee an engagement faster than most travel methods, the mobile home doubled as a mobile fortress.

Harry strolled down the wide avenue that made up Diagon Alley. He pretended to ignore Remus hovering a good ten feet behind him, after all, at least his uncle was giving him room, even if he wouldn't let him shop for school completely on his own. It was a nice feeling to be cared for, even if it was a little frustrating.

Harry himself was attracting more than his fair share of looks and even outright stares. He was used to it by now, even invited it in a way. He wore subtle eye liner and mascara around his startling green eyes, a black scarf around his neck, and black leather robes (dragon leather, for subtle protection) over a mostly buttoned white collared shirt and skin tight black pants. Atop his head, his hair was artfully messed in what, in his more charitable descriptions, Sirius called his 'Robert Smith' look. Harry thought he looked good (and had it from several female acquaintances that he was correct), though he did tend to stand out in the crowd. Unphased, he wended his way through the crowd to Flourish and Blots.

Meandering through the aisles towards the school books, he found his way blocked by a pair of boys around his age, though they were not aware of his presence.

"Here to buy books, Weaselbee? Oh wait, I forgot, you can't afford new books, can you?" Sneered the slicked back blond boy in his immaculate green trimmed robes.

The redhead in the slightly more shabby clothes colored angrily, but before he could retort, harry spoke up.

"Excuse me."

The blond boy turned an incredulous stare on the dark haired interloper. "What do you want?" Taking in Harry's eye makeup, and general outfit, he felt compelled to add "Freak."

Harry's eyes narrowed slightly, and took on a steely cast. Subtly, his back straightened and he moved the faintest bit into the rude boy's personal space. Despite himself, the blond wonder took a step back. A faint smirk of triumph flashed across Harry's face. "You're blocking the aisle." he finally responded.

A man came up behind the boy, tapping his cane; a man with long, almost girly (not that Harry could talk), blond hair of the same shade as the boy's. "Come along, Draco. This store has been overrun by riffraff." The man stated, flaring his nostrils as if he smelled something unpleasant. The man's eyes darted to the right, in the general vicinity of where Harry knew Remus to be standing. Harry noticed that despite his apparent disinterest, the hand that gripped the cane had knuckles white with tension.

Harry couldn't help himself, "That's a mighty fine pimp cane you have there, sir." he said with all apparent cordiality.

Scowling, blondie senior chose to pretend he hadn't heard the impertinent upstart's comment as he and his son stalked from the store.

"What a tool." Harry groused, sotto voce.

Chuckling, the redhead turned to regard his new hero, "That was bloody brilliant, mate! Names Ron." he offered his hand, which Harry took.

"I'm Harry. Harry Boardman. Pleased to meet you."

Ron looked a little incredulous upon hearing his new friend's name.

"Yeah, my Da still has a chuckle about that every once in a while. I think he was paying it forward for being named Stubby." Harry ruefully shook his head.

"Wait! Your dad is Stubby Boardman, lead singer for the Hobgoblins? Bloody hell! my mum and sister are going to go mental." Ron had a dazed look.

Harry's face looked a little pale, "Please tell me you mean your older, older, much older sister?" Harry pleaded.

Ron shook his head sadly. "Sorry, she's a year younger than me."

"Ew. He's, like, three times her age!" Harry shuddered

"Tell me about it." Ron scowled. "Anyway, thanks for the help with Malfoy. His dad and mine have kind of a rivalry going, or something. I don't really understand it except they're both arrogant berks.

Harry's gaze drifted back towards where the two had just departed, and his eyes narrowed. 'So that's Malfoy, eh?' Shaking his head clear of such thoughts, Harry returned his attention to his friendly soon to be classmate. "So I take it your getting ready to go to Hogwarts, too?"

Harry settled into his compartment on the Hogwarts Express. He'd arrived a good twenty minutes or so early; Get to the gig early, go on stage late, Sirius always said. After stowing his bag overhead in the bin, Harry pulled a harmonica out of his back pocket and began to coax soft, plaintive wuffs and warbles out of it. As the time neared for the train to get underway, the red-haired boy from the bookshop stuck his head in, "Hey, Harry. Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all, I think we can find you a seat." Harry smiled good-naturedly.

Ron began to talk animatedly to Harry about Quiditch. Harry listened and made appropriate comments. He'd seen a few games, and it was fun to watch, but Ron's obsession with the game was far beyond where Harry's interest level lay. Still, it wasn't an unpleasant way to pass the time of the train ride. Maybe twenty minutes after the train had pulled from the station, a bushy brown haired girl poked her head in to the compartment. "Have either of you seen a toad in here? A boy named Neville seems to have misplaced his somewhere on the train. It goes by the name Trevor. The toad, that is."

Ron shook his head in the negative. Harry seemed to think for a moment, before nodding his head in decision. Lifting a finger to indicate that she should wait a moment, Harry stepped into the corridor between compartments, brought his harmonica to his lips, and began to play. The sound that issued forth seemed improbably low for such a small instrument. With a strange rhythmic cadence, the dark haired boy began to play a strange tune that seemed oddly reminiscent of frog song. From a little up the corridor, and answering croak was heard, and the toad in question hopped out of an empty compartment, and over to the young musician. Trailing off the song, Harry scooped up the toad, and presented it to the stunned young witch.

"That was incredible! How did you do that?" The girl asked, somewhat breathily.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, it's a gift, I guess. I've never tried it on toads before." He answered noncommittally.

Shaking her head at the blase attitude the brown haired girl smiled slightly, "It's like something out of Grimm's fairy tales, the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Have you charmed other creatures with music before."

Harry shook his head at her fanciful turn, though a part of him began to wonder. "It's more like talking to them in a language they understand. I used to jam with the birds all the time growing up. They've got some seriously good licks." He wondered, though, about the idea of charming through music, now. it was something to think on. "My names Harry, by the way. This is Ron." He nodded toward the redhead.

"Hermione. Nice to meet you both. I should probably get Trevor back to his owner." She seemed a little sad at the last.

"If you'd like, you can both join us when you find him. There's plenty of room." Harry indicated the relatively empty compartment.

Hermione smiled. "I think I'd like that. See you in a bit." The more upbeat girl went off to find Neville.

"What was that she was on about with the Pie piper?" Ron questioned, a little lost.

"An old muggle folk tale. The town of Hamlin had a problem with rats, you see..." Harry began to relate a version of the tale. By the time he was getting to the part with the kids being led out of town, Hermione had returned with a shy blonde boy that Harry assumed was Neville. Turning to the newcomers, Harry explained, "I was just telling Ron the story of the pied piper. What happened earlier with your toad makes me wonder if there isn't a grain of truth to it. I'll have to ask our Creatures professor if he's ever heard of anything like that. I know people in India charm snakes with music, for instance."

The four spent the rest of the train ride chatting amiably, even drawing the shy Neville out of his reticence.


End file.
